Let me ask you a few questions that I want to answer honestly.  Do you ever struggle with trying to do things on your own and your way?  Do you try to find your worth in your identity in relationships, achievements, and appearance? Are you struggling with emotional wounds that are not healed?

 

For decades, I struggled with rejection, singleness, and loneliness. As you will read in my book, Sacred Love, my emotional wounding was due to real and maybe at times, perceived rejection due to my appearance.  I was the “fat, ugly kid” whose mother was gorgeous and often modeled for one of the finest women’s stores in our hometown. Because I believed that I was unattractive physically and not worth loving, I sought to find my identity and worth in my achievements and intelligence. When I did not measure up in these areas either, which are detailed in the book, I became depressed and anxious. I isolated myself and built a wall of protection so high that I could not see God. At this time in my life, I did not trust Jesus to fill all the voids in my life, even though I had accepted Him at the age of nine.  I had been rejected too many times and often asked Him why He had created me.  I felt like I had to prove my worth to God and others, but every time I tried, there was failure.  I was left unfulfilled and empty.  Since I was trying to do it “my way” and not give God full control, I made mistakes out of disobedience.  Finally, at my wit’s end, I surrendered my life and my rights to myself to Jesus. It had been exhausting trying to find my worth when, in truth, I had been given all my worth in Christ when I accepted Him.  God’s Word is truth and Jesus loves me with an everlasting love as He does you.  Our enemy, Satan, lies to us continuously and, since I had chosen to believe his lies from early childhood, I had lived out most of my life filtering my experiences through a lens of rejection.

 

 In my book, Sacred Love, you will be my traveling companion on my journey in both happy times and crushing times as I strive to find love and acceptance, while missing the love of God.  You will read about my most traumatic time when I came face to face with the ultimate crisis of belief and read how God took me from utter brokenness to triumphant victory as I chose to trust Him with the pain of my past. 

Did my singleness cause me to feel like I was being punished by God?

As one can read in my book, I did not always trust God with my life. Of course, there were times that I thought that I didn’t deserve to be single. I was often angry at God. At that time in my life, I chose to believe not only false things about God but also untruths about myself. Many years of joy were stolen from me because of my warped feelings toward circumstances of what I looked like, what my mother thought about me, and how to win approval. I didn’t realize at that time that the only One who did accept me completely was God! Until I truly believed that God is love and that His plan for me is good, I could not understand why my singleness was a part of His plan at that time in my life. But God was not holding out on me. Being single put me in the position to open my life to complete surrender and to hold on to Him.  

 

Punishment and fear go together, and this perfect love of God does not involve either. Perfect love casts out fear (I John 4:18). He wants me to trust Him every day for His timing and His plan, no matter what that ends up being. It’s for my best, and it makes me more like Him.  

What stigma would I change about singleness?

I have heard people ask about a single person, "I wonder what is wrong with her?" This assumption is not only hurtful, but judgmental. I’m sure people asked this about me for many years. Why does society assume things about people who are not like the majority of their friends? Single men and women—whether divorced, widowed, or never married—could be making a personal choice to remain single or perhaps they don’t have a choice. As the apostle Paul said in Philippians 4:12, he knew singleness well and remained that way. There are many advantages to being single, so whether it’s by choice or not, could it be that God can more freely use singles who are devoted to Him without distractions? Absolutely. Singleness brings freedom to spend more time with Jesus and ministry. So if I could change people’s opinion on singleness, it would be to instead see singleness as an opportunity to be completely devoted to Jesus rather than as a character failure.   

Did I struggle to find my identity in relationships, achievements, and appearance instead of Jesus?

Identity and worth go hand-in-hand. Because there was no man in my life and I did not feel like I was attractive physically, my identity and worth were in my achievements and intelligence. When I did not measure up in these areas either, I became depressed and anxious. At this time in my life, I did not trust Jesus to fill all the voids in my life, and I certainly didn’t see myself as valuable in His eyes. I had been rejected too many times—what if Jesus rejected me? I felt like I had to prove my worth to God and others, but every time I tried, there was failure. Finally, at my wit’s end, I surrendered my life to Jesus. I was tired of the struggle of being good enough. When I realized God’s Word was true, and that Jesus loved me with an everlasting love, I gave Him my life completely. With my identity in Christ alone, I am free from bondage of people’s and my own self-imposed expectations. Jesus accepts me as I am and gently molds me to be more like Him. 

Here we go...

Welcome to my first blog entry! I am so excited to invite you to the release of my first book, Sacred Love!  

It’s hard to believe the two-year process to complete Sacred Love and to see it come to fruition. I knew that God wanted me to tell my story, but I recall telling Him that I had no training or experience in writing. I am a physician assistant! My mind is clinical! (As if He did not already know that!) Eventually, I gave in and said, "OK, God. One day." 

The last 10 years my life have been like a roller coaster, but He has been in charge. God has taken me on highs, lows, twists, and turns. Retrospectively, I am glad I had my seatbelt on. It has often been a ride of steep climbs and quick and speedy drops—some quite breathtaking, some tough and heartbreaking. I’ve had to remember Romans 8:28: “God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” Those of you whose life has been a roller coaster can relate.  

Then three years ago, I knew it was time to start writing the book. In fact, I felt an urgency. Because I am not a trained writer, I started praying…and praying. I often discussed my desire to tell my story with my husband, David.  

In my prayer time one day, God reminded me that my story was a testimony of grace and hope and would minister to hurting women struggling with singleness, loneliness, rejection, and the lies of Satan. Revelation 12:11 says, “And they have conquered him (Satan) by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony.” I have had to reject the lies of our enemy my whole life, but my testimony supports that with Jesus, we can win the battle. Jesus has shown me His unconditional love, restoration, and redemption.    

Even though I had a story to tell, however, I still couldn’t write a sentence, much less a book. A dear and special friend of mine had written a book and found a writer to help her take all her material and story to create a story. That’s what I needed, too! When I married David in 2012, I moved into David's townhouse. Our neighbors one day mentioned that their daughter was an author and a writer who had written several books of other people’s stories. I had met their daughter (Kim P. Davis) on multiple occasions, but did not know her well. When I approached her about helping me with my story, things just fell into place after more prayer from both of us.

So, we started this book in January 2015. It was dedicated to the glory of God. We planned to self-publish the book, but the self-publishing company I contracted with actually dissolved! We kept writing, praying God would show us what to do.

Eventually, Kim contacted New Hope Publishers, the publisher who published two books she co-authored (Both Feet In and A Thousand Times Yes). To Kim’s surprise and my joy, they accepted our proposal! I knew the power of God and that He could open doors no man could open. We couldn’t have found a better publisher to work with!

Sacred Love belongs to God. I so hope you will find my story helpful to you. I understand what it means to be alone and rejected. I know how it feels to be single when everyone around you is married. I know what it means to live defeated. I know how it feels to compare my appearance to others. But I found the sacred love of Jesus could satisfy all my longings when I gave my life completely to Him. I hope you will, too. Jesus is hope.